Freud calls it your “ego.” God calls it your “heart.” An existentialist would refer to it as your existence. Whatever it is that you want to call it, it’s you.
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How would YOU answer the question…”Who are you?” For most of us, the real “me” is covered up and cannot be seen by others.
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So…I have this fear of intimacy. I have this fear of being seen. The real me. The real, true inner Drew Ryan. And for 28 years, I have developed quite a killer strategy of defense. I had coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, artillery that no global superpower could defend or overcome. Walls so thick, so high, so strong that NOTHING could tear them down. Whatever you brought at me, I knew what it took to defend it.
And I am good at defending! It’s one of my strengths. The weak. The widow. The-down-and-out. The fatherless. The hopeless. The abused. The oppressed. I’m the guy you WANT on your side, because I know how to defend. And I’m barbaric in my defending. I will fight like hell for you.
I’m a defender. And one of the best!
So, when it comes to my heart, my ego, the true inner Drew Ryan, if I don’t want you to see me, you’re not going to.
In high school I could get you to do whatever I wanted you to do. It was easy. Simply make you feel sorry for me. Defense mechanism number 1. Manipulation. It controlled my felt-need for affection, for attention, for intimacy.
I have this sheepish grin. I get it at my most insecure moments. I can’t help it. I can’t control it. It just happens. It’s a reflex. Like your stomach’s involuntary reaction of vomiting to what doesn’t sit well. You can’t help it. Try as you may, you can’t control it. It’s a reflex. As is my sheepish grin. Friends laugh and wonder if I am up to something. On the outside looking in, that’s exactly what it looks like. Like I am up to something conniving or develish. But I’m not. It’s my body’s involuntary reaction to my insecurity. My fear of intimacy.
At all times I feel as though I must be in control. If I am not in control, all of life is in chaos. My world feels as though it is turned upside down. I am a self-proclaimed control freak. I don’t work well with others. Well, I work best by myself. Simply because I don’t like giving up control. To give up control would be too uncomfortable.
I have these layers. These defense mechanisms. Coping mechanisms. All learned behavior to protect and defend the true inner Drew Ryan. Layer upon layer, wall after wall, artillery lined up beside artillery, all as to inhibit you from seeing the real me. I mean, besides, who really wants to see their real selves in the mirror?
Layers. Walls. Artillery. (Be prepared. Not pretty. May even offend.)
Manipulation. Used to control my need for affection and attention.
Control. Used to sustain equilibrium in life.
Relational dependence. Brought about affirmation.
The overuse of alcohol. Numbing.
Pornography. The pleasure without the work. Very common for those afraid of intimacy to be addicted to pornography.
Withdrawal. Retreat. Used to control fear of failure.
Selfless giving. Though it is one part of me I liked, I hid behind the selflessness.
Timidity. Of course I am going to be timid. To not be timid would mean that I would have to open up. Speak. Reveal what’s inside.
Adaptability. While this is yet another one of my strengths, was also used as a defense mechanism, as to fit in and control fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.
The list could go on and on and on.
So for whatever reason, I have never been comfortable enough to allow myself to stand alone and be seen. Thus, the layers. The walls. You get the picture.
At times looking back over my life, it can be overwhelming. The things I’ve done. Ways I’ve failed. Times I’ve let people down. Especially those around me. I see my mistakes. My sins. I see where I struggle the most. I see my inconsistencies. My incompentencies. Oh, how I want to succeed, but simply…cannot! And to accept that fact in a society that says that you can and be anything you want…is hard. The things I’ve done to others…and the things done to me. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment.
Weaknesses. Yeah, I have em! Insecurities. You bet! It’s obvious why anyone, especially me, would hide, cover up. One layer at a time. Setting up walls of protection and aligning artillery, coping mechanisms, for whatever the ego or the heart can’t handle.
I used to think that I was capable of life on my own. I am slowly learning that I am not.
I used to think that God granted grace AFTER I succeeded. He does not.
I am beginning to understand what true grace is. Grace is a teacher. Grace is granted BEFOREHAND because…”I simply cannot!” Grace comes alongside and says, “Hold my hand. Let me guide you. Let me enable to do.” And does.
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It’s so easy for me to hide behind my fears and my insecurities. And honestly, it immobilizes me. Which is what fear and guilt and shame and embarrassment does, I guess. So many times I forget – more times than not, I forget – that God has called me to “be.” To be the one He created me to be. No layers. No walls. No defense. No coping. No nothing. Nothing hidden. Nothing held back. He just simply wants me to be me. It’s the real me that He is in love with. He knows I will fail and let down at times. He knows I have fears and insecurities. He knows how I struggle. He knows my weaknesses, and on my own…I simply cannot.
So, He gives us grace. To enable. Though you may try so hard. Just BE. God has created you good! Nothing needs to be added to you. Nothing needs to be taken away. You are simply good enough just the way you are.
So, who are you? Away from those walls. Who is hidden underneath those layers? You have this fear of intimacy, too, don’t you?
May you find that grace is a teacher. And as a teacher, grace reveals who you are. The real you. And it’s good. Very good. Grace also guides. Takes you by the hand and gently leads. And grace enables. On your own…mmm, you say you’ve tried that? And it didn’t work? Failure every time? Grace enables.
May you find that grace is the only thing that breaks down walls, peels back layers, and strips defenses. May you find that because of grace, you don’t have to carry the weight. And may you find that grace is only found in the Person of Jesus Christ. And may you find what I have found in that all my life, I have had this belief that eventually God gives up on you. I am finding that belief to be erroneous! Not true. I am finding that since Christ gave up His life, He is in it for the long haul.
Grace. Never. Gives. Up. On. You. Ever! Because it’s the real you that God is in love with!
and MAY YOU TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF WHAT GRACE OFFERS