confessions

i am learning that i am the epitome of Matthew 15:8 (These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me).

i have already confessed that i have a fear of intimacy.

….”hi! my name is drew, and i am an addict!” “hi, drew!”….

if i don’t feel safe, i don’t let you come close to my heart. it typically is only when you have the ability to get to ME, to my core, to who i am. like an episode of Seinfeld, it’s when you have that…thing! you know? “the thing!”

“the thing” is that mysterious…somethin’ that some people have that somehow enables them to sneak past the walls and triple locked doors and catch you off guard, sneaking up behind you. and right before it gets to you, you turn around to catch it right in time. certain people have “the thing.” you may have never met them before or they may be the ones who know you best. but you know they have “the thing” because they make you nervous. you’re cautious. you’re very aware of them. cognitively, you may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are safe and that they would meet you with acceptance and embrace, but they are the very few that can, by themselves with no help from you, slip right through the walls and doors and are right there in the presence of the core of your being, like a thief in the night.

i have people in my life that have the ability to make me or break me. because no matter how many walls or defenses i put up, simply because of who they are and how i view them, they are there. in that secret compartment of my heart. i can’t explain it. i can’t control it. they don’t even know it. probably didn’t even ask for the ability. but they have “the thing.”

“you know, the thing, Jerry!”

for most people in my life, they don’t have “the thing.” i feel safe with them. they don’t have the uncanny ability to slip past my Triple Z Defense 3000 X2. the latest in heart defense technology. i mean, come on. all the addicts, alcoholics, trauma victims, homeless, politicians, CEO’s, star athletes, movie stars, superstars…they all have it.

if you don’t have the thing, i can see you. i know where you are at. at all times. and in defending my heart when you are around, i am like a mall security guard who is so old he can barely walk. it is those who even unbeknownst to them, if i don’t keep my eye on them, are right there. in that place. with the hidden safe that holds your social security card, birth certificate, great-great-great-great grandmother’s pearl necklace, key to the safety deposit box at the bank – you know, the valuables. it’s that place where if one is careless, they could mess you up! that place. that thing.

if you’re married, your spouse has that thing. they are in that place. they have the ability and that permission to be there. and if violated, they could mess you up!

……

if i don’t feel safe, i keep you at an arm length’s distance.

God has been at an arm length’s distance. God has that thing.

He has the ability to, if violated, royally destroy me. and in fact He will. or at least take away my defenses, coping mechanisms, walls, doors, Triple Z Defense 3000 X2. and i am attached to those. or had been.

needless to say, with my fear of intimacy comes with it, well, the struggle of becoming intimate with God. i’ve honored God with my lips, but my heart has been far from Him. because i’ve not allowed Him all the way in. He’s been held at a distance. like most people in my life. i am learning that there is a vast difference between saying with my lips that God is God and in saying with my heart that God is MY God.

holding God at an arm length’s distance, you can only confess with your lips and say that God is God. and it is when the defenses are down, the Triple Z Defense 3000 X2 is unlocked and God is actually allowed in that you can confess with your heart and cay say that God is MY God.

i know alot about God. geez, i went to school to learn about Him. i have a degree in Him. i know that God is the Wonderful Counselor. but He has not been MY wonderful counselor. i know God is our Rock. but He has not been MY Rock. i know God is our Refuge and Strength. but has not been MY Refuge and Strength. the Prince of Peace. not MY Prince of Peace. the Great Shepherd. Heavenly Father. Deliverer. but not MY Great Shepherd, MY Heavenly Father, MY Deliverer.

…..

“these people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.”

…..

that’s me. or WAS me rather.

i’ve allowed God to come in. no longer held at a distance. it’s scary. frightening to say the least. He’s taken away my defense mechanisms, my coping mechanisms. and i’m no longer attached. i’ve let go. i feel like i’ve been thrown into a pool of water and i don’t know how to swim, and i’m kicking and flailing every which way, trying to keep my head afloat. a state of panic. but it’s because i’ve let go. and i so want to grab back ahold. but i can’t. i don’t want to.

this is totally new. all very new. but strangely familiar at the same time. i’m learning new ways of living. new ways of doing things.

…..

“God, may i from this point on confess not only with my lips that you are God, but also with my heart that you are MY God! be MY Deliverer. MY Great Shepherd. MY Rock. MY Refuge and Strength. MY Wonderful Counselor. MY Heavenly Father. be MY God!”