“30″

today, i begin my final week in my 20′s. as i turn 30, i am resolving to make some changes. some changes i will post here. some i will not. the first change i am resolving to make is to begin writing again and on a consistent basis; ergo, i write.

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as i look back over my life for the past 30 years, to be honest i am somewhat embarrassed, somewhat afraid, a little proud, a tad bit angry, mixed with a hint of regret with an underlying layer of gratefulness. odd mix i realize.

frankly, i do not like looking back over the past 30 years. i see so many things that i regret doing, wish had never happened, wish i never did, embarrassing awkward moments that i wish to forget. looking back i suppose one could say that shame typifies my feelings of the past 30 years for one reason or another.

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when i was young, i was called andy. i didn’t like my name. to me it represented someone i didn’t like nor wanted to be. i wanted a change. a new slate. in fifth grade my sister and my mom started calling me drew. and it stuck. my new slate had arrived. i ditched andy and adopted a new identity. drew. i liked that name. i still like that name.

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looking back at all of the awkward, all of the embarrassing, all of the ridiculous, the shameful, the disgusting, the hurt, the misguided…it is tempting to desire a new slate. a new name. a new drew. in fact i do desire a new slate. i would very much like to leave the awkward and embarrassing, the ridiculous, the disgusting…all of it…behind in the twenties, as though it is that closet in one’s house where all of the junk is stored where one only opens the door once every 3-5 years. or haul it all away to the junkyard or be able to burn it in a dumpster. in some ways i am. i am leaving behind all of the junk and moving into the next era of my life. and it feels nice. but…

i am not creating a new slate. no name change. no new drew.

they say that lifespan development is about growth and change, while yet remaining the same.

i am moving away from one stage in my life and entering a brand new stage. but i remain the same drew. i have the same slate. i am making changes. but i remain the same.

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tomorrow, my wife and i are having three close friends over for dinner and to celebrate my birthday. two of the three are two of my closest friends who know all of the awkward and embarrassing, all of the disgusting, all of the ridiculous. both have their own stories of their awkward and embarrassing. both have already entered the stage that i will be entering a week from today. it will be a time of fun and of reflection…most certainly times of reflection where the embarrassing and awkward will be used against me. however, it will also be a time where i share with those closest to me some of the desired changes i want to make. and to request their help in keeping me accountable to implementing and establishing those changes. one of which is ridding of shame and accepting the awkward and embarrassing, the ridiculous, as well as the painful and the disgusting.

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it is tempting to start a new slate. to create a new identity. to re-start this blog clean and fresh, erasing all previous entries and creating anew. but i choose not to.

i am making changes. the first of which is accepting the past. remaining the same. i like drew. it’s a good name.

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