…

as i look back over my life for the past 30 years, to be honest i am somewhat embarrassed, somewhat afraid, a little proud, a tad bit angry, mixed with a hint of regret with an underlying layer of gratefulness. odd mix i realize.

frankly, i do not like looking back over the past 30 years. i see so many things that i regret doing, wish had never happened, wish i never did, embarrassing awkward moments that i wish to forget. looking back i suppose one could say that shame typifies my feelings of the past 30 years for one reason or another.

…

when i was young, i was called andy. i didn’t like my name. to me it represented someone i didn’t like nor wanted to be. i wanted a change. a new slate. in fifth grade my sister and my mom started calling me drew. and it stuck. my new slate had arrived. i ditched andy and adopted a new identity. drew. i liked that name. i still like that name.

…

looking back at all of the awkward, all of the embarrassing, all of the ridiculous, the shameful, the disgusting, the hurt, the misguided…it is tempting to desire a new slate. a new name. a new drew. in fact i do desire a new slate. i would very much like to leave the awkward and embarrassing, the ridiculous, the disgusting…all of it…behind in the twenties, as though it is that closet in one’s house where all of the junk is stored where one only opens the door once every 3-5 years. or haul it all away to the junkyard or be able to burn it in a dumpster. in some ways i am. i am leaving behind all of the junk and moving into the next era of my life. and it feels nice. but…

i am not creating a new slate. no name change. no new drew.

they say that lifespan development is about growth and change, while yet remaining the same.

i am moving away from one stage in my life and entering a brand new stage. but i remain the same drew. i have the same slate. i am making changes. but i remain the same.

…

tomorrow, my wife and i are having three close friends over for dinner and to celebrate my birthday. two of the three are two of my closest friends who know all of the awkward and embarrassing, all of the disgusting, all of the ridiculous. both have their own stories of their awkward and embarrassing. both have already entered the stage that i will be entering a week from today. it will be a time of fun and of reflection…most certainly times of reflection where the embarrassing and awkward will be used against me. however, it will also be a time where i share with those closest to me some of the desired changes i want to make. and to request their help in keeping me accountable to implementing and establishing those changes. one of which is ridding of shame and accepting the awkward and embarrassing, the ridiculous, as well as the painful and the disgusting.

…

it is tempting to start a new slate. to create a new identity. to re-start this blog clean and fresh, erasing all previous entries and creating anew. but i choose not to.

i am making changes. the first of which is accepting the past. remaining the same. i like drew. it’s a good name.

…..

pictures.

…..

sometimes, i think that the church has a limited view of God’s relationship with us as well.

some paint a picture of God as some authoritarian figure, like that of a king, ready to punish his subjects the second he or she breaks one of the laws of the king’s kingdom, with an emphasis on sin and grace. others have painted a picture of God as this father figure, strong and courageous, able to be fallen back upon. a protector. some have painted a picture of God as a sympathetic mother, with a nurturing spirit and caring tenderness. while yet others have painted a picture of God as this gentle, yet furious lover, passionately in pursuit of His beloved.

…..

it’s an understatement to say that i don’t understand or fully comprehend God. a God who is not bound by flesh and bones and skin like me. a God who is so adamant about not being bound by limits, that to bound Him by limits in the Old Testament of the Bible typically meant death. to wrap God up in an image of stone or metal like a little souvenir or precious memento that you keep in your pocket is nearly always met with anger. or disdain in the very least.

i find it very easy for whatever reason to create my own God who meets my felt needs or unmet desires. though, i believe God does both. quite often i find myself creating a list…God is this; God does that; God abhors that over there; this is characteristic of God. check, check, check. before i know it, i have this check list of a God that Stephen Covey would be proud of. as a result, i’ve created a sort of snapshot of what God looks like. maybe ‘should’ look like. or maybe, even better yet, what i ‘think’ or ‘believe’ God to look like. and there it is. God’s picture. His portrait, if you will. and like a family photo, i snap the picture with me in it. side by side. me and God. and it hangs above the mantle. easy to reach. easily accessible.

i have to admit. it’s a great looking picture, too. we took it right after we backpacked up that mountain. boy, what a trip! we almost didn’t make it. but we did. barely. cliffs, rock faces and ice structures that would make Hermann Buhl shutter. but somehow, we made it to the top. needless to say, it’s a great photo.

pictures.

the problem with pictures of God is the same problem of God being packaged into a golden image or pocket memento…it may capture what God may look like, but it’s like the iceberg effect – there’s so much more than meets the eye.

i believe God in all His wisdom knew we were going to need help in coming to an understanding of who He is and the relationship we have with Him. so…He gave us pictures.

there’s the picture of the father. there’s the picture of the mother. the picture of the child. of adoption.

there’s the picture of kings and the picture of kingdoms, the picture of lords, pictures of servants, of masters, aliens and citizenship.

the picture of sin. the picture of grace. the picture of rescue. the picture of redemption.

there’s the picture of two lovers, helplessly caught up in one another’s romance for each other. husband. wife. marriage. intimacy. union. romance. each word a picture.

there’s the picture of a shepherd and the picture of sheep. there’s the picture of the cornerstone. the picture of the heart. of the human body. brothers. sisters. brides. bridegrooms. rocks. refuge. fortress. bread. wine. wineskins. vines. branches. drunkenness.

each word a picture. each picture a glimpse of who God is, who we are in relation to God, and the relationship God desires of us.

as i have come to understand (what little i do know of) God, i have also come to see that it is the tendency, especially in my own life, to take one of the pictures, highlight it and elevate it to such a pedestal that it becomes THE definition of my relationship with God.

if there’s such a focus of sin and of grace and of rescue and redemption, so that it excludes all the other pictures, the depth of the relationship is lost. likewise, if you take the picture of the father, highlight it and elevate it to the make it THE definition, you’ve forgotten about the rescuer or of the shepherd, or of the brother.

sometimes, i need one of God’s pictures. like tonight. the picture i need is that of Christ as my brother. you may need one of God’s pictures, as well; you may need God to be a lover…furiously in pursuit of you. you’ve been hurt. past relationships. rejection or criticism. whatever it is, it’s deep. or you may need God to be a father. for you, you may need God to reach out to you. to hold and protect you. to give you the embrace you rarely or, maybe, never received as a child. or maybe you need the picture of the rescuer, of sin and grace and redemption.

if and when you do need one of God’s pictures, may you come to see God as more than just that one picture. more than even a series of pictures like a collage. but may you come to see them for what they are. just pictures. small glimpses of something much, much bigger, deeper, wider and fuller. but may it be a starting point. may each picture draw you more into the mystery of God and the relationship, the union, He desires to have with you!

pictures.

if you walk in, it’s very apparent that no one lives there. the two curtains in the living room are yellow as if they are urine stained, and you in all your imaginitive creativity wonder how in the world something like that gets that way. the windows are broken, some shattered. glass everywhere. the carpet is far worse off than the curtains. dirt, cobwebs and animal feces can’t begin to describe what’s on the floors. the walls are bare, except for all the holes where hanging nails and tacks had been. as you rub your finger over one of the holes, you notice that the color of the walls is totally different than what meets the eye.

the house is bare. there’s no furniture. no pictures. no paintings. no draperies, besides the two yellow, urined-stained curtains in the living room.

if you were to walk into the bathroom, a stench meets your face, causing you to react in a manner, repulsed by even the vilest of evil-doers. you dare not step onto the floor.

if you were to walk into the kitchen, an even greater stench hits you and you’re more afraid to walk past the corridor.

you see the door to the basement. you open it. you begin to walk down and you stop. it’s cold. feels wet. smells more than musty. eerie. a wimper-like noise comes from out behind your foot, startingly you. so you walk back out afraid of what you’ll find. and you shut the door behind you.

my heart.

no one could ever live there. not even God. and God doesn’t. hasn’t, maybe, might mark the better response. now does, i suppose. but He’s the only one.

…..

in my Couple’s Counseling class Dr. Frye says that the home is supposed to be a safe haven. he says it’s like home base in the game of tag we played as kids. playing tag you could venture as far out as you were comfortable, making faces at the other team, but when chased, always came back to home base. you were safe. the other team couldn’t reach you. nothing could happen to you. home base was the safe haven.

Dr. Frye says home is supposed to be a safe haven. a place where you feel safe. a place where you are not only accepted, but also embraced. a place where you are reached out to. you are rejoiced over and danced with. stories are told. laughter happens and joy is felt. you feel free to be open and vulnerable, knowing rejection is nonexistent and your feelings are validated. it is also a place of boundary. you’re protected as well as each of the other members in the family system. there’s commitment. all the other members are committed to you and you are committed to them. and you are wanted. and you are desired.

home is a safe place.

God is making my heart His home. it still looks like a house. but He’s working on it. and before anyone can come in, He first must be able to call it His home.

it has to be a place where He feels safe. a place where He is accepted, and He is embraced. He’s reached out to. a place where He is rejoiced over and danced with. stories are told. laughter happens and joy is felt. a place where He can be vulnerable and open with me, sharing with me the secret mysteries of His heart, knowing they will not be rejected and knowing His feelings are validated. He’s protected. He’s committed to. and a place where He is wanted and He is desired.

i long for my heart to be that place. God’s home. His safe haven. so that others can call it their safe haven as well. but it first must be God’s safe haven. God’s Home Sweet Home.

so, He’s doing some remodeling. gutting out the junk. cleaning up the mess. remodeling. new furniture. no more yellow, urine looking curtains. new draperies. whatever they are. (God insisted – i said ‘ok.’). new pictures. with new frames. and new memories. never to disregard the old pictures. simply, the difference in these pictures is that they include Him.

He’s even remodeling the bedroom. not for me. but for my future wife. whoever she may be. a place she can call her safe haven. a place where she feels safe to undress her soul. and He’s hanging a sign on the outside of the bedroom door – “Private. Do Not Disturb. Keep Out.”

…..

sometimes i wonder if the television show Extreme Makeover Home Edition is so popular is because somehow deep, down inside us, not only do we rejoice with the family whose house is being redone by Ty and his crew, but also because we find ourselves in their stories. they are us. we are living in a house that needs to be remodeled. in fact for some of us like me, if we are honest with ourselves, no one lives there. because it’s that unlivable. our spouse. our children. friends. parents. buddies. girlfriends. coworkers. life-group members from church. no one enters into the secret, intimate places of our heart.

not…even…God. no one. except us.

deep in that basement, in the cold and in the wet faints a wimper. it’s that little kid we used to be. he doesn’t even reach out, up, to anyone anymore. he can’t. he’s scared. he feels all alone. because a long time ago, he was so tired of being the only one to reach out, that he, himself, stopped reaching out. he was waiting on someone else. but no response. if ever he was rejoiced over and danced with, he initiated the dance. even at times, his dance was rejected. so, scared and alone, he moved to the basement. he’s cold. wet. hungry. head down. arms around his face. shivering. shameful. guilt-ridden. yet, longing to be reached out to.

…..

i’m finding that as i take down my walls and unlock my defense mechanisms, let go of my coping mechanisms, and allow God to slowly and gently walk in, clean house and make my heart His home, He’s walking down to the basement. He’s not scared. He’s happy and He’s sad. He seems to be rejoicing. because He’s there. in the intimate. in the secret. where no one else has gone. He’s found me. and He’s rejoicing. but He’s also sad, hurting. because of the little kid who has felt so undesired.

and He’s reaching out.

and i’m looking up.

still scared and afraid. my history would tell me i have every right not to trust Him. but my history also tells me that i have a multitude of reasons why i should trust Him.

Dr. Frye says that the reason individuals don’t change is because they would rather live in the comfortable dysfunction than the uncomfortable functioning.

it’s an understatement to say that to trust God is uncomfortable. to keep my head buried and to myself – that works for me. it’s lonely. but it works. has worked. for so many years. to trust God feels unsafe and to accept His reaching out to me is uncomfortable. but i’m accepting.

i’m starting to believe that faith has little to do with believing whether or not there is a God or that Jesus is God’s Son, but rather, faith has everything to do with allowing God into the secret.

into the basement.

may you find that, as you allow God into the secret places of your heart, into the basement, God is reaching out. and may you have the faith to lift up your head, lift up your arms and accept His reaching out to you and to allow God to hold you!

faith.

i have already confessed that i have a fear of intimacy.

….”hi! my name is drew, and i am an addict!” “hi, drew!”….

if i don’t feel safe, i don’t let you come close to my heart. it typically is only when you have the ability to get to ME, to my core, to who i am. like an episode of Seinfeld, it’s when you have that…thing! you know? “the thing!”

“the thing” is that mysterious…somethin’ that some people have that somehow enables them to sneak past the walls and triple locked doors and catch you off guard, sneaking up behind you. and right before it gets to you, you turn around to catch it right in time. certain people have “the thing.” you may have never met them before or they may be the ones who know you best. but you know they have “the thing” because they make you nervous. you’re cautious. you’re very aware of them. cognitively, you may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are safe and that they would meet you with acceptance and embrace, but they are the very few that can, by themselves with no help from you, slip right through the walls and doors and are right there in the presence of the core of your being, like a thief in the night.

i have people in my life that have the ability to make me or break me. because no matter how many walls or defenses i put up, simply because of who they are and how i view them, they are there. in that secret compartment of my heart. i can’t explain it. i can’t control it. they don’t even know it. probably didn’t even ask for the ability. but they have “the thing.”

“you know, the thing, Jerry!”

for most people in my life, they don’t have “the thing.” i feel safe with them. they don’t have the uncanny ability to slip past my Triple Z Defense 3000 X2. the latest in heart defense technology. i mean, come on. all the addicts, alcoholics, trauma victims, homeless, politicians, CEO’s, star athletes, movie stars, superstars…they all have it.

if you don’t have the thing, i can see you. i know where you are at. at all times. and in defending my heart when you are around, i am like a mall security guard who is so old he can barely walk. it is those who even unbeknownst to them, if i don’t keep my eye on them, are right there. in that place. with the hidden safe that holds your social security card, birth certificate, great-great-great-great grandmother’s pearl necklace, key to the safety deposit box at the bank – you know, the valuables. it’s that place where if one is careless, they could mess you up! that place. that thing.

if you’re married, your spouse has that thing. they are in that place. they have the ability and that permission to be there. and if violated, they could mess you up!

……

if i don’t feel safe, i keep you at an arm length’s distance.

God has been at an arm length’s distance. God has that thing.

He has the ability to, if violated, royally destroy me. and in fact He will. or at least take away my defenses, coping mechanisms, walls, doors, Triple Z Defense 3000 X2. and i am attached to those. or had been.

needless to say, with my fear of intimacy comes with it, well, the struggle of becoming intimate with God. i’ve honored God with my lips, but my heart has been far from Him. because i’ve not allowed Him all the way in. He’s been held at a distance. like most people in my life. i am learning that there is a vast difference between saying with my lips that God is God and in saying with my heart that God is MY God.

holding God at an arm length’s distance, you can only confess with your lips and say that God is God. and it is when the defenses are down, the Triple Z Defense 3000 X2 is unlocked and God is actually allowed in that you can confess with your heart and cay say that God is MY God.

i know alot about God. geez, i went to school to learn about Him. i have a degree in Him. i know that God is the Wonderful Counselor. but He has not been MY wonderful counselor. i know God is our Rock. but He has not been MY Rock. i know God is our Refuge and Strength. but has not been MY Refuge and Strength. the Prince of Peace. not MY Prince of Peace. the Great Shepherd. Heavenly Father. Deliverer. but not MY Great Shepherd, MY Heavenly Father, MY Deliverer.

…..

“these people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.”

…..

that’s me. or WAS me rather.

i’ve allowed God to come in. no longer held at a distance. it’s scary. frightening to say the least. He’s taken away my defense mechanisms, my coping mechanisms. and i’m no longer attached. i’ve let go. i feel like i’ve been thrown into a pool of water and i don’t know how to swim, and i’m kicking and flailing every which way, trying to keep my head afloat. a state of panic. but it’s because i’ve let go. and i so want to grab back ahold. but i can’t. i don’t want to.

this is totally new. all very new. but strangely familiar at the same time. i’m learning new ways of living. new ways of doing things.

…..

“God, may i from this point on confess not only with my lips that you are God, but also with my heart that you are MY God! be MY Deliverer. MY Great Shepherd. MY Rock. MY Refuge and Strength. MY Wonderful Counselor. MY Heavenly Father. be MY God!”

…..

How would YOU answer the question…”Who are you?” For most of us, the real “me” is covered up and cannot be seen by others.

…..

So…I have this fear of intimacy. I have this fear of being seen. The real me. The real, true inner Drew Ryan. And for 28 years, I have developed quite a killer strategy of defense. I had coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, artillery that no global superpower could defend or overcome. Walls so thick, so high, so strong that NOTHING could tear them down. Whatever you brought at me, I knew what it took to defend it.

And I am good at defending! It’s one of my strengths. The weak. The widow. The-down-and-out. The fatherless. The hopeless. The abused. The oppressed. I’m the guy you WANT on your side, because I know how to defend. And I’m barbaric in my defending. I will fight like hell for you.

I’m a defender. And one of the best!

So, when it comes to my heart, my ego, the true inner Drew Ryan, if I don’t want you to see me, you’re not going to.

In high school I could get you to do whatever I wanted you to do. It was easy. Simply make you feel sorry for me. Defense mechanism number 1. Manipulation. It controlled my felt-need for affection, for attention, for intimacy.

I have this sheepish grin. I get it at my most insecure moments. I can’t help it. I can’t control it. It just happens. It’s a reflex. Like your stomach’s involuntary reaction of vomiting to what doesn’t sit well. You can’t help it. Try as you may, you can’t control it. It’s a reflex. As is my sheepish grin. Friends laugh and wonder if I am up to something. On the outside looking in, that’s exactly what it looks like. Like I am up to something conniving or develish. But I’m not. It’s my body’s involuntary reaction to my insecurity. My fear of intimacy.

At all times I feel as though I must be in control. If I am not in control, all of life is in chaos. My world feels as though it is turned upside down. I am a self-proclaimed control freak. I don’t work well with others. Well, I work best by myself. Simply because I don’t like giving up control. To give up control would be too uncomfortable.

I have these layers. These defense mechanisms. Coping mechanisms. All learned behavior to protect and defend the true inner Drew Ryan. Layer upon layer, wall after wall, artillery lined up beside artillery, all as to inhibit you from seeing the real me. I mean, besides, who really wants to see their real selves in the mirror?

Layers. Walls. Artillery. (Be prepared. Not pretty. May even offend.)

Manipulation. Used to control my need for affection and attention.

Control. Used to sustain equilibrium in life.

Relational dependence. Brought about affirmation.

The overuse of alcohol. Numbing.

Pornography. The pleasure without the work. Very common for those afraid of intimacy to be addicted to pornography.

Withdrawal. Retreat. Used to control fear of failure.

Selfless giving. Though it is one part of me I liked, I hid behind the selflessness.

Timidity. Of course I am going to be timid. To not be timid would mean that I would have to open up. Speak. Reveal what’s inside.

Adaptability. While this is yet another one of my strengths, was also used as a defense mechanism, as to fit in and control fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.

The list could go on and on and on.

So for whatever reason, I have never been comfortable enough to allow myself to stand alone and be seen. Thus, the layers. The walls. You get the picture.

At times looking back over my life, it can be overwhelming. The things I’ve done. Ways I’ve failed. Times I’ve let people down. Especially those around me. I see my mistakes. My sins. I see where I struggle the most. I see my inconsistencies. My incompentencies. Oh, how I want to succeed, but simply…cannot! And to accept that fact in a society that says that you can and be anything you want…is hard. The things I’ve done to others…and the things done to me. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment.

Weaknesses. Yeah, I have em! Insecurities. You bet! It’s obvious why anyone, especially me, would hide, cover up. One layer at a time. Setting up walls of protection and aligning artillery, coping mechanisms, for whatever the ego or the heart can’t handle.

I used to think that I was capable of life on my own. I am slowly learning that I am not.

I used to think that God granted grace AFTER I succeeded. He does not.

I am beginning to understand what true grace is. Grace is a teacher. Grace is granted BEFOREHAND because…”I simply cannot!” Grace comes alongside and says, “Hold my hand. Let me guide you. Let me enable to do.” And does.

….

It’s so easy for me to hide behind my fears and my insecurities. And honestly, it immobilizes me. Which is what fear and guilt and shame and embarrassment does, I guess. So many times I forget – more times than not, I forget – that God has called me to “be.” To be the one He created me to be. No layers. No walls. No defense. No coping. No nothing. Nothing hidden. Nothing held back. He just simply wants me to be me. It’s the real me that He is in love with. He knows I will fail and let down at times. He knows I have fears and insecurities. He knows how I struggle. He knows my weaknesses, and on my own…I simply cannot.

So, He gives us grace. To enable. Though you may try so hard. Just BE. God has created you good! Nothing needs to be added to you. Nothing needs to be taken away. You are simply good enough just the way you are.

So, who are you? Away from those walls. Who is hidden underneath those layers? You have this fear of intimacy, too, don’t you?

May you find that grace is a teacher. And as a teacher, grace reveals who you are. The real you. And it’s good. Very good. Grace also guides. Takes you by the hand and gently leads. And grace enables. On your own…mmm, you say you’ve tried that? And it didn’t work? Failure every time? Grace enables.

May you find that grace is the only thing that breaks down walls, peels back layers, and strips defenses. May you find that because of grace, you don’t have to carry the weight. And may you find that grace is only found in the Person of Jesus Christ. And may you find what I have found in that all my life, I have had this belief that eventually God gives up on you. I am finding that belief to be erroneous! Not true. I am finding that since Christ gave up His life, He is in it for the long haul.

Grace. Never. Gives. Up. On. You. Ever! Because it’s the real you that God is in love with!

and MAY YOU TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF WHAT GRACE OFFERS

when i was 10, i had this girlfriend. i don’t remember her name. but i remember that i liked her. alot. and she liked me. we were boyfriend and girlfriend. except…i never once spoke a single word to her. we never talked. i take that back. we talked once. but we never kissed. i never even held her hand. but she was my girlfriend. and i was invincible. untouchable. she was my beauty, my love, and i was a 10 yr old prince charming. her knight in shining armor. infidels? let me at ‘em! beasts of the field? i got this. villains? feared me. i was in love, and nothing could get in the way of me and my girl.

except…

…her boyfriend. which i didn’t know she had.

i was devestated. hurt. angry. my knight’s armor was in a moment stripped, my sword taken away, and i was left…bare and all alone.

emotion. what makes someone so…passionate? or so hurt? so angry? so fearful? so shameful? so joyful?

lately, i’ve been starting to become fascinated with emotion. and curious as to what the function and role of emotion is.

and i have a theory.

i have this friend. to put it lightly, he’s passionate. at everything he does. if he’s angry, he’s ready to fight. if he’s joyful, he’s already dancing. if he’s hurt…you get the picture. he is well known amongst the emotion gods. they call him by his first name. they’ve even asked him to lecture at their ‘the emotion gods conference.’ and each time, he receives a standing ovation. awards. medals. honors. the emotion gods adore my friend.

every emotion, my friend is familiar with. he is a well-known traveler amongst the realm of emotion.

my friend feels. and my friend connects.

i also have this professor. or did have this professor back in college. he, on the other hand, was unfamiliar with ‘the emotion gods conference.’ “professor who?” the gods would ask. he was never asked to speak at ‘the emotion gods conference.’ he is not adorned with medals. he has no honors or awards.

have you ever met or talked to someone who, no matter what you say, there was no expression? you laugh…and you receive a blank look. you try to provoke…they sit there. still. emotionless. you wonder if anything got to them even in the slightest. if anything could make them…feel. feel anything. joy, hurt, anger, guilt, surprise, disgust.

there are some who are expressionless, as though they cannot feel. nor do they connect. and you wonder if it is at all possible for them to connect. then, there are those like my friend who do feel. and they do connect. quite well.

in counseling we are told that the greatest element towards a person’s healing and wholeness is the relationship between the counselor and the client. beyond any skill. beyond any mode of therapy or form of treatment, it’s the client/counselor relationship. and it makes sense. as i sit amongst my classmates, these future counselors – ones who by nature feel and connect and know how to build relationships, the reason they got accepted into the program - i get the opportunity to experience firsthand what it means to be in relationship with people who know how to connect and know how to connect very well. if ever i have a problem, big or small, these are the ones i want to turn to. all life’s problems seem small in those moments. the world doesn’t feel so big. my enemies seem to be nonexistent. and the pressures of life’s demands seem irrelevant when i am with my class. they make you feel safe. secure. confident. even untouchable. and it is all because of their connection with you.

and that’s when it hit me. emotion. emotion is all about connection. it’s alm0st as if God designed us in such a way that by feeling, by feeling emotion, that is how we connect. when i am angry, i am connected, attached to something i fear is in danger or has been hurt. when i am hurt, i am connected, attached to something or someone, even myself, i fear has been a victim of injustice. when i feel guilty or unashamed or lonely, i feel unattached. and when i am joyful, i am connected, attached, most likely to someone else. be it a friend, or family member, or a lover. and when i am connected, i feel safe, secure, confident, untouchable!

anytime i read Scripture, i notice something. something i never noticed as a kid. God feels. alot. God is full of emotion. God hates. God gets angry. God hurts. God once even called His bride a ‘whore.’ whatever it was…ticked Him off. God also loves. and there are things that give Him joy. i’m pretty sure God has been to ‘the emotion gods conference.’ pretty sure maybe He is even the chair of the committee.

i am beginning to see that we are designed very uniquely. to feel. and how we feel. and what’s involved. brain activity. hormones. nerves. thoughts. behavior. action. certain responses to certain behavior and actions. and how feeling and emotion is all about connection.

it’s almost as if God designed us this way…so that…we could connect with Him.

i imagine God does get nervous. over me. i imagine He dances over me as well. i imagine God even calls me a whore at times. because at times i do pursue other lovers other than Him. but that’s the thing. i know He desires that connection. because He pursues me. if ever God does get that angry, what lies underneath is hurt. all because He longs to connect with me. so, He chases me. i love being chased. i also love being caught.

i’ve been to ‘the emotion gods conference.’ i go every year. one time at the conference, i was told this:

“if ever you hurt, imagine God hurting as well. if you get angry, picture God angry. if you love, picture God loving too. and if you ever get nervous over someone, look at it this way…that’s how God feels over you!”

needless to say, her apartment is still yet unfurnished. of course.

not long ago i overheard my friend telling a mutual friend  how she went to open a canned food she was about to prepare but remembered she did not have a can opener.

so…the other day i go to the store. and i go there for only one reason. to buy a can opener. for my friend. i walk in, my knees become a little weak. my heart starts pounding a little heavier than normal. i reach out my hand to pick up the can opener off the shelf, and i notice my hand is shaking a little. to my surprise i was nervous.

i couldn’t help but wonder, “will she like my gift? will she even accept? i hope it makes her day!”

i imagined the smile on her face as i would give it to her. i couldn’t wait to show my gift to her. i wondered then if she was having a bad day, then hoping my gift would make it better. or if she was having a good day, then hoping my gift would add to it and make it just that much more of a good day. the whole time…i was nervous.

later that evening, i had the chance to give it to her. as i handed the can opener to her, my knees were still weak, my stomach felt twisted and knotted, my hands were still a little shaky, and my voice…was…cracking…and…i…couldn’t think straight, i was so nervous, hoping it would make her day. it must have. she gave me a hug. she had never hugged me before.

sometimes i wonder if i make God nervous. not a scared nervous. or a nervous wondering if i will accept His gifts or not. rather, i wonder if i make God nervous in such a way where He thinks, “i hope he likes my gift. i hope it makes his day!” and sometimes i wonder if when God gives to me, He hopes that in return i will reach out and give Him a big hug like my friend did me.

i choose to believe that each one of us makes God nervous. i choose to believe that God gives, thinking, “i hope my gift makes their day! and i wonder if they will in return reach out and hug Me. i hope so! i like their hugs!”

may you come to see that you make God nervous, that God gets nervous over YOU:)

however, at times i look away.

at times there is too much fear. too much pain. too much shame and too much guilt.

so i look in any direction but His.

when i am afraid, i fear that God just wants to use me…without desiring me first.

when i hurt, i believe God, too, will eventually hurt me.

when i am guilty, i understand my shortcomings.

when i am ashamed, i understand my potential.

at times i dance, but dance at a distance. i don’t get too close. if i get too close, i may get rejected. i’ve been rejected in the past. i know what it’s like. i’ve been used before. i know what that’s like. God can’t be as good as He says He is. He HAS to care about my failures. He has to know my shame. He has to see my guilt and the lack of value and worth. i’m not the perfect lover He sees in me.

but i am.

i’ve been created to dance. with my Lover. He loves me. I am loved.

all i am asked to do…is…dance. that’s it. just…dance! simple. easy. just dance.

i am starting to believe that we are created…good. not good as in some ability to make right choices versus wrong choices. good as in…worthy of being desired. like a good chocolate as opposed to a chocolate that is nasty and disgusting. we are created good. worthy of being desired and wanted.

i am also starting to believe that we bring on to ourselves things or attributes that are not good. though injustice happens we believe the message it sends us…that we are of no value. we stumble and fall flat on our face, so we accept the fact that since we fell and are clumsy, we then must not have it all together. we don’t measure up…we’re ashamed. we attempt and fail…we are guilty.

sometimes i wonder if God doesn’t say to us, “No! all of these things…you let me worry about these things. you just dance.”

sometimes i wonder if all of these things that hinder us from dancing is just simply dead weight. dead weight that is unnecessary and does not need to be attached to who we are.

i am a lover…free of dead weight. a lover desired and wanted. no attachments. no dead weight. free. uninhibited.

and i am dancing.

Like a small innocent child, I’m beginning to dance. Like I have never danced before.

It’s as though all of my life I’ve been told dancing was wrong. So, like a conservative traditionalist, I’ve sat along the back wall scared and terrified, hurt and broken, wanting to dance, but ashamed. And all along God has been crying out, “Dance, my child! Dance! Like you’ve never danced before! And dance for as long as you wish, but dance forever and dance freely! In whatever you do, dance and dance with Me!”

Many times growing up for whatever reason, I’ve accepted the messages sent to me through the many disappointments life gives. In doing so my heart was taken away. And whoever took away my heart, took it away from the original partner my heart was dancing with.

My heart was stolen and in need of rescue.

However, whoever stole my heart away convinced me that he was the one I was originally dancing with. I trusted my new dance partner. Although, he smelled different. He looked different. He talked different. He was completely different. In every way. Yet, I was convinced it was…Him. My original dancing partner.

Not a minute too soon my original dancing partner came for me. And my heart was rescued. But I was hurt. How does one dance when he or she is hurt? When stolen, my heart believed what was told about my original dancing partner. My heart, now, needed to be re-convinced that my original dancing partner was good, was true, was everything I grew up believing as an innocent child before taken away.

And like a small innocent child, I’m beginning to dance like I used to.

But I’m a little nervous. Somewhat scared. He wants me to dance. Freely. So I am. But it’s awkward. I feel vulnerable. I feel exposed and helpless. I am having to allow Him to hold my heart. I haven’t done so for so long. In this way. I am so used to holding my own heart. The last time my heart was being held by someone else, it was being used. But this is different, yet familiar. I remember this from before. I’m dancing. Somewhat scared, but I’m dancing.

My original dancing partner holds my heart again, and we’re dancing like we used to.  Like a small innocent child, I’m beginning to dance freely.

Hear that? That’s my dancing partner, beckoning me to come dance. I am being given the permission to dance, so I must go.

Come. Watch me. Watch me dance like you’ve never seen anyone dance before. Uninhibited. In freedom. Forever. With my original dancing partner. I’m dancing!

Wanna join us? Ever danced before? If not, we’ll show you!

Dance!

…..

my roommate is a victim of identity theft. everything you can think of. bank account information. credit cards. credit score. social security number. you name it. my roommate was some guy living the good life in Colorado. at least on paper, he was. my real roommate resided in Kansas.

it would be foolish of me to say that i know exactly what my roommate went through. but i am foolish. i have never had any account information stolen. i have never reported bank fraud. no one that i know of has ever lived a good life in Colorado off of my expense.

but i, too, have been a victim of identity theft. let me explain.

…..

i am recognizing that i have this insatiable need to control. i found this out as of today. i had this dream. one of the worst dreams that i have ever experienced. there may have only been 3 or 4 other dreams like this before. a dream full of anxiety. i dreamed someone close to me…left. ME. i woke up feeling rejected and abandoned to say the least. i was relieved to find out that it was only a dream. yet, i felt as though the rug was pulled out from underneath me.

i’ve had dreams like this before. i once dreamed when i was little that i was kidnapped. that tops my worst dream list. next to it comes the dream a few years where i lost the girl i thought at the time was the girl of my dreams. i woke up believing that i no longer could see her, listen to her, talk to her. i woke up actually crying that night. body drenched in sweat. next to that was two other dreams involving losing my grandparents.

in each dream there was an element of losing someone or someones. attached to each element of losing someone has been a high amount of anxiety. attached to the anxiety has been this need to regain something that was lost. what last night’s dream showed me was that when i feel most chaotic, when i experience the most anxiety, it is when i no longer am in control. within me is this need…to be in control. and i am realizing that it is because i have this fear of failure.

in high school i knew how to get my way. it was easy. emotionally manipulate people into feeling sorry for me. by doing so, i was in control.

grades. homework. i’m a pretty smart kid, i have to admit. so, most times when i have an assignment, i wait until the last day to start and finish the work. this past week, i had two finals. each one i waited to study the day of the exam. this is in a graduate level program. i scored a 99% on one test and am awaiting the score of the second exam. but by waiting until the last minute, i am in control. if the work does not match up…i have an excuse. i…am…in…control.

underlying my need to control is a fear of failure. i am admitting (amongst so many other things tonight) that i am afraid to fail. i am realizing that i am afraid that i will not match up. that i will not come close to the next guy. that he will get the girl, because he will have more positive attributes than i. and what will be seen in me will be all the negative attributes. (now i am single – so don’t go jumping to conclusions. just making a general statement to prove my point.)

looking back, i have measured myself up against some of my closest friends. of course each time, i don’t come close. i lose every time.

i am learning that the reason i fear failure is the internal belief that…that…i…i am not good enough. i am unloveable. i don’t match up. i am not worthy of the girl. i am nothing. now, this is weird for me, because this is NOT at all how i think. sometimes, i think i am arrogant and too cocky for my own good at times. most times. but you don’t have to think certain things to believe something else.

for so long i have buried these beliefs and layed on top of those buried beliefs a different brand of thinking. thoughts of self-worth. high esteem. a proper view of myself. the bad thing about it is…my actions flow out of my beliefs. not my way of thinking. unfortunately.

and i am realizing that for so long i placed my identity in other people or places unattached to me. because of this belief that I…am not good enough and that I…am unloveable. my thought process was, “if i place my identity in this, then therefore i will be worthy, because THIS is worthy. thus, now i TOO am worthy.”

when i place my identity in something, i am controlling my fear of failure. when that something is taken away, so is my identity. thus, anxiety results. chaos. my world is turned upside down.

the process now is digging up these beliefs. whatever they are. beliefs of being unloveable. beliefs of not being good enough. and getting rid of them. they have already been replaced. a long time ago. it’s just a matter of getting rid of the faulty beliefs that are so deeply ingrained within me. in the Bible Jesus said that if new wine was put into old wineskins, the old wineskins would burst. it’s this idea that the old and the new cannot reside together. they conflict. they oppose one another. something has to give. most times, it’s both. the wineskin burst. it no longer is of use. and thus, the new wine is spilled. both are lost. for me, these old beliefs must go. the replacement stays.

i like wine. i mustn’t spill the wine!

…..

the Bible says that there is a very real enemy who has come to steal…to kill…and to destroy. however so, this enemy has stolen my identity…my heart…and has been in a process of killing and destroying. here’s the good part. the second part of that verse states that there is a very real God who has come “to give life and life more abundantly.” i see this as a reclaiming!

i am learning that there is a very real battle. that there is a very real God, who is a very GOOD God. who wants to give and bless. and i am also realizing that there is also a very real enemy who has come to steal the good that God wants to give and steal what is already God’s. my heart. your heart. my friend’s heart. and when once stolen, he takes and begins to kill and finally eliminate.

for a very long time, this enemy has had my heart. my identity. but my heart is being fought for. my identity is being reclaimed. what was once stolen is being given back to the one who owns it.